Journey to the Heart of Low Self Esteem

This is a heart journey.  A trip made up of miles that are leading me into the depths of myself.

God is Love and that is everything.  To know this is the beginning.  Self love is the state of being in position to have that knowledge do anything, from movement to miracle, in my life.

People may get sick of me talking about the fruit of and the struggles of overcoming a former mindset rooted in abandonment, rejection, and shame, but that’s ok…

I have to tell this story because it’s the one I know.  I need to share these struggles. They are my experience.  The Blood of the Lamb, this testimony, and my commitment to it is the three fold braided cord the Father has given me to beat back the enemy off myself and off anyone else who might just understand.

Yesterday, I wrote and read all day.  Last night, I came onto the Internet to find out what Pastor Harris preached on Sunday, to get a couple of his notes.  I ended up on YouTube watching The Lexi Show on past episodes of Bishop Carlton Pearson, the credential stripped Bishop, and Council pronounced heretic for his adoption of the Gospel of Inclusion.

In his eloquence, in his gift, he is unmatched.  The man is an artist of presence, the Word of God is his paintbrush, his canvas is the hearts of hurting people.  But his paints, his colors, have become corrupted.

The Gospel of Inclusion begins with truth, as does every lie.  It preaches that the Triune God loves all His children unconditionally and so sent His Son Christ to die on the cross to bear the sins of the world.  Both parts of that statement are true.  Where the Inclusion Gospel abandons Christ’s passion is when its precepts teach this: “Since we are all unconditionally loved, we’re all unconditionally saved.  You can know Christ or not, confess/claim Him or not, live with the purpose of being His disciple or not, it doesn’t matter because there is no more hell and no more devil.  Everybody is saved.”

I watched the Bishop hold tight to his rendition of certain isolated Scriptures, the ones that beautifully prove his argument.  As the other learned and experienced members of clergy shined Light on the holes in the Bishop’s theology, he smoothed his butter like the burns were theirs.

Abandonment, rejection, and shame based hearts rarely ever look like what they really are.  So much masking and makeup, armor and acting, practice and pretense go into the disguise of perpetrated health.  But God is teaching me something, we cannot do/produce any thing that’s not already in us.

Abandonment is its own fruit…

Rejection is its own fruit…

Shame is its own fruit….

Bishop Carlton Pearson, the triple threat success (sing, dance, and preach better than the best of the best), the Azusa creator, the first Black televangelist, the one whose platform catapulted so many, Bishop Jakes included, to staggering popularity, was living and preaching and growing and thriving with a root of abandonment in his spirit.  Only nowadays can we see the fruit of the vain imaginings he never cast down.

So sad, because here we are at the threshold of the appointed time of the greatest Kingdom Harvest the world has ever seen.  We can look across the broad plain of the Body of Christ and see that some of Its “best & brightest” are bringing in the sheaves of an abandoned Anointing.

And what is the Anointing if it’s not Perfect Love?  Affection, attention, ability, assurance, assistance…  Perfect Love is all these and more.  It’s everything we hungrily ache for from our imperfect neighbors, family, and friends to putty in the holes of our imperfect selves.  The more distant we are, the more evident our hunger.  Isn’t that a strange surprise?

And I have been so distant.  Self isolated by faulty interpretation.  Criticized, ostracized, believed the lies about my value, and so I took my self and quietly left the scene.  So how could I believe I deserved to be the object of all that and concomitantly believe I deserve to be the recipient of your love?  It’s mass confusion, and even more so when we factor in the fact that those who don’t know, don’t know.  This is how I did it.  I took the bricks of those untruths and built a low self image.

That low self image, that love deficiency in myself towards myself, meant I could not wholly trust another’s interests to be here.  “You must want something…don’t butter me….tell me now what it is.”  …a harvest grown in the soil of suspicion towards anyone and everything on the outside.

To believe the lie that we lack Love is a most unstable state.  Lonely.  Crowded.  Moody.  Aggravated.  Controlling.  Manipulative.  Needy.  Over protective.  Fearful.  Doubtful.  Shame based.  Credit seeking.  Rude.  Self contained.  Hypocritical.  Taking.  Hoarding.  Quitting.  Rebellious.  Groper.  Secretive.  Image conscious.  Testing….always testing.  Unforgiving.  Unforgetting.  Respecter of persons…

And this is just some of how it acts….  How it feels is an even bigger mess.  I’m done saying I love and trust God as Keeper and King while thinking through the thoughts of anti-Love.  We are all lovers if we can find The Way: man, woman, child; neighbor, family, friend.  It’s the story of all our lives.  The story of distant hearts on a journey with one purpose: To Heal & Connect.

I asked God where were all the miracles…

“They wait beneath My Love you all are yet to find”.


About Alaina Odessa Expressions

Alaina Odessa is a Christian poet and author of Slow Running Honey, an anointed book of poetry that speaks to the secrets, self deception, and lack of self awareness that is holding many of God's people back from the abundance He created them for. She is creator of Alaina Odessa Expressions, a company dedicated to helping others 'Cultivate the God made self' through poetry, theatre, workshops, lectures, & television. Godly information fosters the mind renewal process all Christians must undertake to experience the fullness of Christ's sacrifice. Alaina Odessa Expressions strives to provide edifying, life changing content.
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2 Responses to Journey to the Heart of Low Self Esteem

  1. Rick Gray says:

    Thanks for sharing Alaina. Awesome!

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